Of Moon Mothers, Hands, and Promises.

Growing up child is just a matter of time
Forgiven all you’ve got, so won’t you dance under the sun?
Growing old feels like you’re giving up your soul –
And I’d rather give it freely to the ones that I call home

– Growing Up, Run River North

Dearest Ava,

I remember the first time your Mama told me she was pregnant with you. She was very scared and very confused. I was very speechless and very helpless. I guess when faced with a life changing event, we are all left feeling the extremes of everything.

You were a shock to the system, and this was just me, so I often wondered how your Mama must have felt. Over the course of your early life inside her, there would be a series of panicked and serious conversations, hopeless and desperate tears, and the sinking realization that lives were about to change and we weren’t children anymore.

As months flew by, and as we watched your Mama’s progress with every photo update she had sent us – I began feeling excited. Everything suddenly became a series of conversations filled with anticipation, happy tears, and the realization that your Mama will have a beautiful partner in crime just a few months away. We were all very excited to meet you Ava, you were very loved even before you opened your eyes.

I will admit that I never really understood children and there is a part of me that doesn’t think I can handle the responsibility of having one, so when your Mama told me I would be your Moon Mother – I took a deep breath, and tried to  think of the things I could teach you.

I am admittedly not the best role model in the world, but I know enough to know what to say when you want to try something or too afraid to tell your Mama about something you did. I don’t know a lot Ava, but I know I made a promise to take care of you during the good, the bad, and most definitely the worst.

I was so scared to hold you because I didn’t know how to. You seemed so small, so fragile – I felt like I was going to break you. I felt like I was too clumsy to even think about holding you…but when you held onto my finger, something told me I could. You held onto my finger as if you were telling me not to panic; at such a young age Ava, you’ve already taught me something and pushed me further into new territory.

A lot of people will teach you how to walk, run, swim, draw, paint, laugh, cry, and so much more; but I promise to be there, holding your hand through the adventures you let me be a part of.

I knew, in that moment, your Moon Mother had been born.

Thank you for melting my heart that day little darling. Cheers to your adventures ahead.

I love you.

Of Remembering & Walking Forward.

I remembered him today.

He was just a passing thought while I walked the streets of the city I would say goodbye to in a few weeks. I stopped and I looked-up to the sun-scorched skies, felt the heat and the wind on my face. In a city where people seem to solely look at traffic lights and their destinations, I was there, standing still, remembering the one I used to love & the changes ahead.

All my short adult life, I have been that – an adult.

I have looked at my priorities and the planned life I supposedly wanted and needed to live. I have been so concentrated on being one thing that I forgot to be the other things. Yes, we can’t be everything we want to be but we must also not confine ourselves to just being one thing. I have lost track of this thought, I have also lost the value of seeing things like a child: that understanding, belief, and imagination.

This, me concentrating on inflating my own corporate ego, has cost me so many friendships, opportunities, and even, love. I close my eyes, and still I remember him.

I wonder where he is right now & exactly what he’s doing. I have forgotten about him up until that moment; I still have the scars from the night we parted ways. I had made a promise to myself that I would never beg for someone & that I would never allow myself to be that vulnerable ever again. I have kept myself strong for the longest time that I had turned to stone.

The depression & the unhappiness I had felt was so overwhelming that often times, I would just sleep and wish for a better tomorrow. But depression does not end this way. Life isn’t supposed to end this way – with us just sleeping it away.

I am not going to pretend that I know what I’m doing or that my journey is laid out in front of me, paved with happiness and love. I have never been this lost but I have also never been this excited to live. The journey I am about to take is a hard one, but it is one I am glad to take.

I would rather have scars to show for living than the money to show for merely existing.

Then in that moment, I remember him walking away from me.

I open my eyes to a handful of stares, I smile at the man who was too busy to see me smile. I shrug and feel refreshed and continue to walk once more. The more I walked further in this concrete jungle, the more I realized how much I didn’t belong here even though I always thought I did.

I had remembered him, the ghost of all relationships past. I remembered him because, perhaps, I needed to be reminded that I once loved unconditionally and I could do it once more, smarter this time. I remembered him because maybe in this life, we need to take a step back in order to move forward.