Of Comfort Zones, Greedy Prayers & Hand Prints.

Baby Ava’s hand. (c) Her Mama, Diane.

This post is dedicated to them.

I sit in this seemingly deserted office, looking out into the morning haze over the city through its window and I start thinking about the days to come and the days that had been. I look aimlessly as the sun and dust create a cloud that perfectly outlines its rays. Morning has started, again.

I sit back and say a little prayer.

I find myself doing that more often now, saying little prayers to the Universe. No more prayers of grief, of want, of longing; just prayers of hope, of understanding, of gratitude. I used to never believe in prayer because it never seemed to result to anything but maybe it was because I was praying for the wrong things. Maybe I was praying out of greed. Maybe.

You see, it’s not that easy to believe in seemingly silly things but sometimes, when there’s nothing left to lose – you just have to hope for the best results because often times, something comes out of nothing.

Staring out into my screen, scrolling through tons of unneeded information about people on various social networking sites, I see that one picture that made my heart stop. I see that ultrasound picture of little baby Ava – with her tiny hand, as if waving hello to the world. Then I think about her mother, Diane.

The connection I have with Diane is a weird one. It is a rollercoaster of emotions; but in all honesty, I can say that no one has the right to say that they know my fickle heart and my wandering feet more than her. Yes, my life has been an open book and I’ve always welcomed people to read from it but somehow, it’s like she understood the chapters differently. Though we do not know each other’s entire being, I have always felt that in terms of thought and the utter need of our souls – Diane & I understood each other. It’s a connection that is hard to explain.

Through the many hardships we’ve both kept, though not same in intensity or experience, these things have molded us into creatures that fear almost nothing but everything. We have realized that the world is an unfriendly place at a young age yet this has also taught us to be stronger, to face it with raw emotions of courage, recklessness, and more recently, love.

The amount of tears from countless fights, unending laughter, and seemingly deep sorrow shared between us can sail a ship but this has not stopped us from still learning and gathering experiences the best we can.

As the sun envelopes the city now, I think about how she is about to embark on probably her greatest adventure yet – motherhood. It has not been an easy road and it’s about to get harder, but with everything she’s learned from the past, I know she’s going to be a great mother.

I cap off this little prayer of safety with a dash of strength and love, for we can never get too much of those things nowadays.

I’ll be waving hello soon little Ava. This godmother is ready to grasp your hand in hopes that it will show you the Universe and lead you to the stars. Ad Astra Per Aspera.

The Beginning, Again.

 

Yesterday was perhaps the start of another beginning yet as with anything, it was also the end of several things.

 

I woke-up feeling as if the weight of the world was under my eyes. How my heart felt as if it was deteriorating and my soul was lost in a black hole. I know this feeling, it was the familiarity of being there – in a dark, empty room with these feelings enveloping my being. I wanted to crawl inside my sheets again and wait for this to all be over. I looked at everything around me – how my studio, how everything inside it: the paintings, the sketches, the photographs, the journals, have become so hard to look at.

 

The things I’ve cherished and spent so many hours creating were things I suddenly wanted to burn. I guess as humans, that is ultimately why we search for power, because we can create as easily as we destroy. I stood there, in the middle of everything and started to do just that – destroy for no apparent reason. It’s just looking at these things I’ve created, it brought me so much pain as they stood for memories and opportunities lost over the years.

 

I don’t regret destroying most of my creations, it only means I can start again.

 

This marks the start of me falling in-love with art again.

This marks the start of battling succumbing the allure of depression.

This marks the start of remembering why it’s important to trust in the Universe.

 

May light & great love find us all as we all go through the journey of life.